What makes a bystander different from a victim or a bully?

Bystanders are very different from either victims or bullies mainly because they make a decision to stay on the outside of the situation. Whereas victims and bullies are directly involved, bystanders think that avoiding the conflict altogether is either the right move or the best thing for them personally.

How exactly is someone a bystander?

It is difficult to describe what makes a person a bystander. There are several things a person does, or does not do, that can make them a bystander.

• Purposefully ignoring the event entirely;
• Witnessing the event and choosing not to take the appropriate actions;
• Witnessing the event thinking something on the lines of, “at least that person wasn’t me.”

What is so wrong with being a bystander?

Research on bullying has often concluded that it occurs most frequently in the presence of bystanders who choose to merely watch the events unfold instead of doing something. By being there, you may give bullies more incentive to embarrass and threaten their victims because they will have an audience.

Unfortunately, many people believe that being a bystander is the best option to take. There are many reasons for this.

• Some may believe that the bullying scenario is “none of their business,” and therefore they choose not to take sides because it seems too nosy;
• Others feel that stepping in will make them the new target for the bully, making it seem as though intervening would only make things worse;
• There is also a fear that intervening in a bullying situation by telling a teacher or a counselor will give them the unwanted stigma of being a “tattletale;”
• Bystanders may feel that intervening will also do little. This is especially true in students who have approached teachers before regarding bullying, only to find that no action was taken.

If you are in a bystander situation, how do you intervene?

Bystanders need to realize that bullying is a serious problem, and that a lack of action on their part will only give bullies more opportunities to torment their victims. Some argue that close to 50% of all bullying events stop when a bystander decides to intervene, which just further shows the importance of intervening. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind when you witness bullying.

Don’t assume that this is a private matter between the bully and the victim. Incidents of bullying, especially those that are frequent, are often not because of personal reasons;

Don’t combat violence with violence. It takes a lot of courage for someone to step up on behalf of a bullied person. However, don’t use insults or physical violence to defend the victim. Now is not the time to show off. You will most likely only make it harder for the victim

Do not get discouraged if you have already talked to the teachers and nothing happened. Keep trying. Teachers and other school authorities will respond if they find out that the bullying is becoming a recurrent problem. Try talking to other teachers and counselors so that you can get more people involved in trying to stop the situation;

If you feel that this is none of your business, put yourself in the victim’s shoes. Bullying can cause severe anxiety, depression, anger, and frustration in a person, and can turn their life into a nightmare. You wouldn’t want to feel that way.

Is stepping in yourself the only way? What if the bullies might try and attack you?

You should never step in to protect a bullied victim if it might also put your own safety at risk. If this is the case, you should talk to a teacher, counselor, or even the school principal if the problem keeps happening. Be sure to ask if you can speak to them in private, in case you are afraid of being the next target for bullies. Even if you are not directly stopping the bullying, by taking action and going to seek outside help, you are taking steps away from being a bystander.

Bullying causes unfortunate  tragedies that are dominating the news, causing permanent scars and suicide in ages as young as 6 years old.  Bullying, once  an unspoken problem is more openly talked about, publicized, and seen in this generation.

Indicators of School Crime and Safety, which showed that one third of teens reported being bullied while at school. About 20 percent of teens had been made fun of by a bully, 18 percent of teens had rumors or gossip spread about them, 11 percent were physically bullied, such as being shoved, tripped, or spit on, 6 percent were threatened, 5 percent were excluded from activities they wanted to participate in, 4 percent were coerced into something they did not want to do, and 4 percent had their personal belongings destroyed by bullies.

That is why we are pleased to bring you the Bully Buzz Safety Watch No Bully No Suicide Project.    Click here for more information and learn how you can get involved.

Another tragedy has taken place on the heels of a 7 year old who did the same earlier this week.  The 12 year old in this incident had already transferred schools to get away from bullying before he finally couldn’t take it anymore and took the only way out he could think of.

Joel Morales a 12-year-old East Harlem boy harassed by school bullies about his intelligence, his height and his deceased father hanged himself in the apartment he shared with his mother Tuesday night, according to relatives and those who knew him.

“I want to remember him as a happy kid,” his anguished sister told NBC 4 New York on Thursday.

Joel Morales transferred from P.S. 102 to P.S. 57 after enduring incessant taunting for months, but the bullying persisted at his new school, the fifth-grader’s family said.

Kids chased Morales, threw sticks and pipes at him and teased him for his smarts and his 4-foot-9 stature, his family said. Morales’ anguish reached a breaking point when bullies taunted him about his father, who died when he was four years old, according to relatives. His mother, Lisbeth Babilonia, found him hanging in their apartment at about 11:30 p.m. Tuesday, hours after she had organized a search party when he didn’t return home on time from an after-school club.

An occupational therapist who worked with Morales at one of the schools because of his diminutive size told NBC 4 New York the boy only reluctantly talked about his problems.

“It was very difficult, especially with a child like Joel who wants so badly to please everyone, to see that he was really in pain, that he was struggling,” said Maria Ubiles.

Arlene Gago, a youth minister from a church group said she spoke with Morales regularly at the Jefferson Houses where he lived but never knew of his distress.

“I always asked him, ‘How you doing? How’s school?’” she said. “We talked but he’d never tell me what was going on.”

A classmate told Morales’ family that the boy had said he was tired of the bullying and told them the details of the remark about his father that sent him over the edge. School officials declined to comment on the alleged bullying, citing privacy issues.

Police said Morales left no suicide note.

Courtesy: NBC 4 New York

Bully Buzz sends its condolences to the parents and family of a very young boy in Detroit who committed suicide because he was bullied and having a difficult time trying to cope with family issues he was faced with at home. His suicide has not only shocked a Detroit community and has lawmakers speaking out against bullying. It has also sent a wave a frustration, pain, and hurt across the states.

Peering through the keyhole of a locked door in her family’s home, a 14-year-old girl saw the unthinkable: her 7-year-old brother hanging from a bunk bed with a belt around his neck, a police report says.

The girl alerted her mother and called 911. The mother and a neighbor forced their way into the room, took the boy down, and called 911, too.

The 7-year-old, whom the Detroit Free Press is not naming, had been depressed about being bullied by other kids at school and in his neighborhood, and about his parents’ recent separation, the boy’s mother told police, according to the report.

“It’s just a tragedy on so many levels,” Detroit Police Chief Ralph Godbee Jr. said Thursday, calling the situation “unfathomable.”

He said the department is investigating the child’s death, but as of Thursday afternoon, it appeared the situation is “exactly as presented” – a suicide.

Autopsy results were pending late Thursday, according to the Wayne County Medical Examiner’s Office.

Godbee said he was told that the child had expressed a desire to harm himself. The mother also told police that her family’s pastor was counseling her son to help him cope.

The child’s loved ones, speaking over the phone and in person, said they did not want to comment when reached Thursday.

The issue of bullying and its consequences has been a hot topic across the country for the past few years, spawning discussion, books, documentaries and even cartoons on the issue. Wednesday’s incident has some questioning how a child so young could commit such an act.

Experts say children that young may not understand the finality of death, but they need to be taken seriously when signs of depression arise.

“Any time a child makes a threat or engages in talking about suicide, it should always be taken seriously,” said Polly Gipson, a child psychologist at the University of Michigan and at U-M’s Center for the Child and the Family.

“We shouldn’t think that because a child is a child, there’s no way (he or she) can act on those behaviors.”

In 2010, a medical examiner ruled the death of a 6-year-old girl in Oregon a suicide, according to news reports, which say the girl hung herself after her mother sent her to her room.

Of the 36,951 suicides recorded in the U.S. in 2009 by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 265 involved children ages 5 to 14.

A lot was troubling boy

The boy’s mother told police she forced her way into the room where her son was by removing the door knob, grabbed her son and held him up while a neighbor removed the belt from around his neck, a report says.

The boy’s mother told police she had last seen her son alive at 4 p.m. Wednesday when she left to go talk to the family’s pastor about the child’s depression, according to the report.

The mother told police that her son “had been depressed due to her recent separation from his father; the fact that he had been bullied continuously by the children at school, in addition to constant teasing he had endured because he was the only boy in the home of eight females,” a report says.

Neighbor Harold Pleasant could hardly believe what had happened. He said that on Tuesday, he helped the child’s mother start her van. She told him that the boy had a 1 p.m. doctor’s appointment.

While working on the van, Pleasant asked the boy how he was doing in school.

“I’m doing fine,” Pleasant, 62, said the boy told him.

On Wednesday afternoon, Pleasant was watching ESPN in his living room when his wife and daughter, who were in an upstairs bedroom, came down. His wife said: “Do you hear all that screaming? Somebody’s screaming like they’re losing their mind.”

They went outside and looked toward the house where the boy’s older sister was in the yard wailing. He went to find out what was wrong.

Pleasant said the boy’s sister said: “I found my brother hanging from the bed.”

Pleasant said he wants to remember the boy riding his bicycle, laughing and playing. But he struggles with the boy’s death.

“I’m going to be devastated about this if God don’t take it away from me because I can’t think of nothing else,” he said. “I don’t know how a kid that age can come to the conclusion to kill himself.”

The boy’s death, said to be in part the result of bullying, has again thrust into light the tragic results such teasing can bring.

In December, Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder signed anti-bullying legislation. The city approved an ordinance last fall that makes it a misdemeanor to bully children in person or online.

Detroit City Councilwoman Saunteel Jenkins, who sponsored the ordinance, said the boy’s apparent suicide shows the need for a stronger response to such mistreatment.

“For a 7-year-old to lose his life in any form is heartbreaking. But to imagine a child that young, who is so sad, that believes his only option is to do this? Heartbreaking is not a strong enough word,” she said.

She said the goal of her ordinance is to intervene and try to rehabilitate kids who bully peers.

Parents also can be held responsible for their children’s misbehavior under the ordinance, Jenkins said.

Jenkins said she doesn’t know whether anyone has been given misdemeanors as a result of this ordinance. She said she’s going to work to make sure there’s broader awareness of the city’s law.

“One of the most important things we can do is to make a safe, livable city for our children,” she said. “We have to teach children that bullying is not OK.”

Contributing: Melanie D. Scott, Chastity Pratt Dawsey and Georgea Kovanis, Detroit Free Press, USA Today

“The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round…” 

Singing countless rounds of “Wheels on the Bus” to your toddler probably painted a cheery image of the iconic, bright yellow school bus, exciting him about the day he’d be big enough to ride the bus to school himself.

Now, however, he’s older and regularly riding the bus to and from school—and dreading it each day, each way. That’s because what he has discovered is not so singsong happy. Chances are he’s either being bullied himself or witnessing other children being bullied—physically, emotionally, verbally, or socially—on a daily basis. Riding the familiar yellow school bus is an enjoyable rite of passage for most students, but for many it can be a place where bullying occurs unchecked. Here’s what you can do to help. 

“School buses represent the number two place for bullying, second only to the playground,” says Quintina Strange, founder of Bully Buzz, a national bullying intervention and empowerment program.

Strange, a mother of two children who were bullied, created the Moreno Valley, Calif.-based program in 2010. Young adults, teens, and young children can submit bullying reports and request help confidentially, either online at www.bullybuzz.org or via a toll-free hotline at 855-BUZZTIP (855-289-9847).

Bullying on the bus shouldn’t come as a surprise. Think of your child’s bus like a school on wheels. According to the American Public Health Association, 440,000 school buses transport 24 million students to and from schools in the United States every year. Collectively, these buses travel 4.3 billion miles daily, with only one adult to get them to their destination safely.

The school bus is like a classroom where children learn positive and negative behavior, in small, steady chunks of time. “With school buses serving as the first and last school function for millions of schoolchildren every school day, our efforts to restore and maintain safe, calm environments on the school buses sets the stage for restoring everything in between,” says Nicholas Pizzo, director of organizational development for Student Transportation Inc., a school bus transportation company based in New Jersey.

Unlike school or an open playground where teachers are available to help when there’s a problem, there’s only one adult on the bus, the driver, who’s busy keeping her eyes on the road, making it difficult for her to monitor bullying, as well. Add to that the contained environment of a school bus ride, which can last 30 minutes or longer, and a child can feel trapped and helpless.

Ensuring a safe ride is a shared responsibility among the children, the school, and the bus company. What can—and should—your child do if she is being bullied or is a witness to bullying?

Tell someone. “Convey to kids the difference between ‘tattling,’ which is when someone is trying to get someone in trouble and ‘reporting,’ which is when someone is trying to get someone out of trouble,” advises Pizzo.

Let your child know his voice is being heard. Take time to really listen. “When your child says that she’s being bullied or that’s there’s bullying on the bus, listen,” Strange says. “We’re so busy being wrapped up watching TV, playing sports, paying the bills, making sure homework is done.” Your child has the right not to be harmed or touched and also has the right to help others who are being bullied, Strange says.

If bullying continues, speak up and do something about it. Lead by example. “We have to be responsible as adults,” Strange says. “Let your child know, ‘This is not how it goes.’ ” Take corrective action, whether it’s contacting the school administration, the parents of the bully, or the bully himself. “Bad habits, if not dealt with as a kid, carry into adulthood.”

Besides dealing directly with your child’s situation, there are other things you can do:

Communicate zero tolerance for bullying. This should be communicated clearly to your child—within the school and on the bus. To ensure that this message gets through to all students who ride their buses, Student Transportation Inc., visibly posts clear anti-bullying rules on their buses, with statements such as “Students on this bus do not tolerate bullying,” “We will not bully others,” and “We will tell bus drivers if someone is getting bullied.”

Have strength in numbers. There are usually more children on the bus desiring a peaceful ride home and not making trouble than there are bullies. Use this to your child’s advantage. “We need more kids willing to step in and say, ‘This is not right,’” Strange says. “If you love yourself and won’t allow yourself to be hurt, then you won’t allow another person to be hurt.”

Know that the situation can turn around. An innovative approach Strange uses on her Bully Buzz hotline is a program called My Brother’s Keeper. She puts former bullies to work on the hotline “so that they can hear the pain caused by bullying.” The former bullies also become peer consultants, now helping, not hurting, those being bullied. The intervention costs $30 and kids are enrolled in the 90-day program by a parent or guardian or are placed in the program through the court system, as retribution in the form of community service.

Why all the extra effort to help the bullies themselves? “These kids are our future,” Strange says. “Some of these kids need counseling but don’t [get it] because they let pride get in the way.”

Equally important is teaching our children to speak up when they witness bullying on the school bus; likewise, adults need to listen to the concerns of children who say they’re being bullied, speak up when they learn of bullying behavior, and contact school and bus officials. If all that fails, parents may need to deal directly with those involved—or contact their local law enforcement officials for assistance.

For more information on this article and its original source visit School Family at schoolfamily.com.

Freelance writer Kathy Shiels Tully and her husband live with their two daughters north of Boston.

Source: School Family

BULLY BUZZ is pleased to announce the launch of our BUZZ TIP Hotline! We realize that you will not always have access to the internet and want you to be able to report bully reports and tips at all times.  Your safety is our first priority.  To make bully reports and tips via our BUZZ TIP Hotline, call us toll-free at 855-BUZZTIP. One of our BULLY BUZZ Counselors will take your report creating a intervention ticket for you to track for your records. If you have a life threatening emergency always remember to call 9-1-1.

It’s not just about listening.  It’s about how you listen.  It’s about Active listening.

Your ability to communicate effectively with your children is one of the most precious skills you can develop to achieve this goal.  When we think of communication, we tend to think only of the way we can express ourselves. While that is certainly important, listening is the single most crucial of all communication skills.  It’s particularly frustrating when they aren’t talking to you and equally frustrating for your children when you aren’t listening.

1. Make Your Children Your Focus

Give your children your full attention. I know that this is a toughie, because we tend to be so busy. It seems as if we are always multi-tasking. However, it is important in clear communicating that you make a point of stopping what you are doing and really listen to your children (rather than just hearing them).

When you give your children your undivided attention, they will know that you care, because you took the time to listen, thereby increasing the chances that they will listen to you.  You will also find out what is going on in their lives outside of home.

2. Get the Details 

Hear what your Child is really saying! Children tend to give terse answers to questions, leaving out details that may be important. It’s up to you to be able to get them to open up and draw them into a conversation.

Here is an example:

Child: “I hate my teacher!”
Parent: “Oh, you don’t really mean that!”
Child: “Yes, I do. I double hate him!”
Parent: “Well, I don’t want to hear that kind of talk. I am sure you don’t really hate him!”
Child: “Yes, I do so. I hate all teachers!”
Parent: “Do you think hating your teachers is going to get you a good mark?”

And on and on the arguing goes….

Here’s an alternative:

Child: “I hate my teacher!”
Parent: “Wow, you don’t normally hate anybody. What did he do to get you talking like that?”
Child: “A couple of kids didn’t have their homework finished again today, so he decided to punish all of us by giving us a math test tomorrow!”
Parent: “That doesn’t sound very fair!”
Child: “No, it isn’t fair at all. I wanted to go over to Jennifer’s tonight to hang out and listen to music. Instead I have to study for that stupid test. I am so mad at my teacher! He ruins everything!”
Parent: (Just listening.)

This Child was able to express herself, and she felt validated by her parent.

You will notice that the parent didn’t argue about the feelings the Child had. The parent listened and was not judgmental. You don’t have to agree with your teen’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them. There is no such thing as a wrong feeling. We can’t help what our Children may feel. We should set limits, however, on behaviors that don’t conform to what we consider to be appropriate behavior.

Expressing one’s feelings is a healthy thing; although negative expressions of one’s feelings should be avoided, such as screaming or name calling. A good way to avoid this is using time-outs–wait and continue the conversation when everybody has calmed down.

3. Open-Ended Questions 

Questions can be crucial to communicating with your Children. Ask questions that they can’t answer with only a yes or a no.

For example in the above scenario the parent could ask the teen, “What could you do to help your teacher change his mind about the test?”

Child: “I am not sure. This guy is so stubborn!”
Parent: “What if you talk to him and come up with better ways for him to deal with the kids that aren’t doing their homework?”
Child: “Mmhhh, maybe I could give it a try.”

4. Criticize Behavior, Not Your Child

Moving from the listening to the talking part of communication, your focus shifts. When you want to see a change in your Childs’ behavior, using the following structure can be very helpful. “When you______, I feel______, because I need______.” This wording (known as “I“ message) doesn’t attack your Children’ personality. Instead it merely talks about an action of theirs that you’d like to change and why.

Here is a scenario you might relate to: The chores were not done. Your Child went out instead. This example does not show the best way of communicating. It is a personal attack and makes statements you may not stick to anyway.

Parent: “You didn’t do your chores! You are such a lazy slob! You never do your chores, and I always have to do them for you. Next time you don’t do them, I am going to ground you for a week!
Child: (Feels pretty lousy.)

Now here is an example using the “I” technique:

Parent: “When you didn’t do your chores before going out, I felt really mad. We had an agreement about chores being done before going out, and I need you to do
your part of the chores, or I am stuck doing them for you.”
Child: (Thinking.) “I guess that makes sense.”

Remember when you start a sentence with
“You are such and such,” you aren’t
communicating. You are criticizing!

5. Let the Consequence Fit the Action 

A fairly big problem that parents run into is looking for suitable punishment for broken rules. However, the penalty applied usually isn’t related to the Childs’ action. As parents, we need to show our Children that each choice they make has consequences, but the discipline needs to be appropriate.

Parents tend to punish their Children by taking away something the adolescent enjoys, for example no TV for a week. Let’s take the earlier example of the chores not being done, such as the laundry left in a heap. It would be more beneficial to the development of your Child if you base the penalty on a natural connection between his action and the punishment. A good way of showing the consequences to his action in this instance would be having him do your laundry as well as his next time, since you had to do his this time. When following such a step, you are practicing “silent communication”. This means letting him experience the natural consequences of his actions. This technique speaks louder than any words ever could. It illustrates to all people that they will be held accountable for what they do.

As they grow, Children tend to receive more privileges from parents. It is important for them to realize that more responsibility goes along with the extra freedom.

6. Using Descriptive Praise 

We all praise our Child sometimes. We tell them, “You are a smart kid.” Perhaps you might say, “You are a good piano player.” We mean well, but unfortunately this kind of praise doesn’t bring the desired effect of making your Child feel good about himself. Why is that? It is because what we are doing is evaluating their actions. With this type of praise, we aren’t giving evidence to support our claims, and this makes the praise fall flat and seem empty and unconvincing.

We need to describe in detail what they are doing. As your Child recognizes the truth in your words, he can then evaluate his actions and credit himself where he feels the praise has merit.

Here is an example with evaluating praise:

Child: “Hey, Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!”
Parent: “Fantastic! You are a genius!”
Child: (Thinking) “I wish. I only got it ’cause Paul helped me study. He is the genius.”

Here is an example with descriptive praise:

Child: “Hey, Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!”
Parent: “You must be so pleased. You did a lot of studying for that test!”
Child: (Thinking) “I can really do geometry when I work at it!”

Describing your Children’ action rather than evaluating them with an easy “good” or “great” or labeling them with “slow learner” or “scatterbrain” isn’t easy to do at first, because we are all unaccustomed to doing that. However, once you get into the habit of looking carefully at your teen’s action and putting into words what you see, you will do it more and more easily and with growing pleasure.

Adolescents need the kind of emotional nourishment that will help them become independent, creative thinkers and doers, who aren’t looking to others for approval all the time. With this sort of praise, Children will trust themselves, and they won’t need everybody else’s opinion to tell them how they are doing.

Another challenging problem concerns when and how we criticize our Children. Instead of pointing out what’s wrong with your teen’s actions, try describing what is right followed by what still needs doing.

Example: Your Child hasn’t done his laundry yet.

Parent: “How is the laundry coming?
Child: “I am working on it.”
Parent: “I see that you picked up your clothes in your room and in the family room and put it in the hamper. You are half way there.”

This parent talks with encouragement, acknowledging what has been done so far, rather then pointing out what hasn’t been done yet.
Active listening opens the gate for better communication and a better relationship with your children.  They will talk to you about anything once this is mastered.

We know parenting can be confusing and a roller-coaster at times and anyone who is a parent could benefit from advice from another fellow parent. Bleau Royale the founder of Bully Buzz and a single mother of two children shares with us how she deals with being a single parent and what she feels are the best practices for parenting teenagers. Based on her biography Bleau became a parent to her first child at the age of 17 and her second child at age 22.

Bleau tells us “It doesn’t matter what approach you choose, parenting the teenage child is hard sometimes. But there are a number of ways to keep it positive.”

“Nowadays we as parents are faced with out teens use of cell phones and computers. You can’t completely cut them off from using these but you can monitor the usage they do have. It may not go over very well to have you in their business but it’s still important for you to protect them by caring for their safety and your wallet as well as making sure they are not falling behind on homework”.

When it comes to internet security parents have options available from service providers that allow you to limit their teens’ ability to access some websites as well as monitor where they do go. Just as there are places offline that you don’t want your teenagers going, there are online activities that they may need protection from.

If you suppose your teenager could be involved with something that is careless or risky, that includes something like drugs or alcohol, you need to explain to them and let them know that particular things are not acceptable. In some situations, teenagers might need additional help, like counseling, although you should only thing about this if their behavior is way far out there and you’ve already tried discussing it with them. If you aren’t confident, you should make an appointment with a professional to receive some advice. From time to time, a parent of a teenager must know when it is necessary to intercept their teenager’s life from making an awful turn in life.

As you are parenting your teenager it’s important to remember that you are the parent and you have the right to say no. When you don’t approve of their actions it’s important that you reinforce to them that you still love them and care about them even though their actions aren’t pleasing. If you have to ground them do it from a neutral state rather than a state of anger. Pick your battles carefully.

“It has to be clear that when you make rules, it’s for the well being and safety of everyone, not because you’re mad or that you don’t like them. It can be hard to maintain the position of loving your child and protecting them too. Teenagers must be dealt with on a daily basis which is not always an easy task” says Royale.

In general, parenting teenagers is not always easy, but you can improve any situation with the right kind of communication. Sometimes it takes patience and a willingness to look at things from the teenager’s point of view, even if you don’t agree.

Serial bullies are manipulative, persistent bullies who often continue to bully their victims over long periods of time. A serial bully generally shows a charming, sweet side to authority figures, such as parents, teachers, the principal and other kids he may want on his side. The victim often ends up isolated and alone, afraid to speak up for fear of the situation worsening or not being believed.

Repetitive Bullying

• Serial bullies tend to get away with bullying because of their vindictive nature. The longer this pattern goes on, the more damage they bestow on their victims and the more likely the bully will carry this behavior into adulthood. As children, bullies can be taught to change their behavior and learn new ways of relating to other children. When questioned, serial bullies generally deny they did anything wrong and often twist their answers in such a way so they appear as if they are the victims.

Mind Games

• Serial bullies twist the facts and often lie to get out of any impending trouble. The serial bully will show little to no emotion and appear matter-of-fact while the victim loses control of her emotions and looks like the one lacking self-control. This is one of the methods the serial bully uses to keep his victims under control. Serial bullies are charming, yet deceiving. It can take a long time to figure out these deceptive mind games, while the victims often suffer unacknowledged, in silence.

Emotionally Immature

• Serial bullies are often emotionally stunted. Perhaps, they were abused, have poor role models or were emotionally neglected. They know what to say to their followers and authority figures. They speak in a way that makes authority figures dealing with these situations believe that the bullies will stop and they understand that their behavior is wrong. The problem is that they are missing something inside that allows them empathy for others and the bullying continues once the authority figures leave the scene.

No Deterrent

• Serial bullies thrive on gaining and keeping control to get what they want from others. They know who to please and how to go about charming those in power. Serial bullies are often able to turn group members against the victim. The people in the group may fear the bully turning on them so they go along with it even though they know it’s wrong. The bully increases his power over the group while the victim becomes further isolated and alone.

   

More Signs of a Serial Bully

• is a convincing, practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
• has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature – only the current target of the serial bully’s aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as “charming” and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as “evil”; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act
• excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive
• uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
• is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form – but there’s no substance
• is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will out maneuver most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict
• is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic
• relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a “normal” human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
• is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly
• cannot be trusted or relied upon
• fails to fulfill commitments
• is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
• is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy
• exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behavior and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse
• in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy
• holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc – prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret
• is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchable
• has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion
• is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence – but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgeable) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity
• displays a compulsive need to criticize whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence
• shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn’t flow and arguments that don’t hold water
• flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you’ve never had a proper conversation
• refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer
• is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability
• undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully’s mask
• is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
• is quick to discredit and neutralize anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors
• may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to hold them accountable, perhaps using others’ resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organizations in pursuance of the vendetta
• is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account
• gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
• is highly manipulative, especially of people’s perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)
• poisons peoples’ minds by manipulating their perceptions
• when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
• is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
• often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behavior and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
• is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation
• is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty
• is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy
• is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire
• is always a taker and never a giver
• is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
• often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus
• often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
• knows the words but not the song
• is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication
• sometimes displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion of accountability and is often a committee-aholic or apparent workaholic